Reigniting Intimacy: Navigating a Shift in Your Sex Life

From FB: “So I’m a lot older than my now husband (5yrs) we are almost 50 well I am anyway . Our youngest is 4… She still co sleeps with us and I’m perfectly fine with it, even tho I act like I don’t like it to him. Before we had our last kid our sex life was off the charts. It’s slowly been dwindling down.

Now we may have sex a few times a month and for me that’s great because I just don’t have the energy or will to want it. But since he’s become a gym rat he’s wanting it more and more.

My question is, what are some ways or things that you ladies suggest I do to maybe heighten your drive? He’s very handsome and he’s definitely built and at first glance a woman would want to rock his boat…. But he’s NOT romantic nor does anything to get the engine going although I’ve expressed to him that I need that.

Instead he will send me a text asking to clap some cheeks or something like that and it makes my skin crawl. I typically blame our daughter in bed with us as a reason but he’s getting frustrated with me and we are arguing about the smallest things.

He got mad because I cut his pineapple into tidbits and not chunks the man is going through it!”

Our Response:

Hello, dear readers! It's common for couples to experience changes in their sex life as they age and their circumstances evolve. In this blog post, we'll explore how to address the challenges of a shifting sexual dynamic and offer some guidance from the perspective of a seasoned sex therapist. Our goal is to help you reignite the spark in your intimate relationship and overcome obstacles that might impact your connection.

Understanding the Shift:

Firstly, it's important to recognize that various factors, including age, lifestyle, and personal preferences can influence changes in your sex life. You and your husband are almost 50, and you have a 4-year-old daughter who co-sleeps with you. These factors can undoubtedly have an impact on your sexual frequency and desire.

Open Communication:

Open and honest communication is the key to addressing any relationship issue. It's commendable that you're fine with co-sleeping with your daughter but have concerns about your husband's approach to intimacy. It's crucial to express your feelings and desires without judgment or blame. Let him know that you value your connection and want to work together to improve your intimate life.

Romantic Connection:

You mentioned that your husband isn't particularly romantic, which can be a common issue in long-term relationships. To reignite the passion, consider discussing the importance of romance in your relationship. Suggest activities or gestures that would make you feel desired and loved. Exploring new experiences together, such as date nights or weekend getaways, can also help rekindle the romantic flame.

Exploring Desire Discrepancy:

It's not unusual for couples to have differences in sexual desire, especially when one partner has experienced a significant lifestyle change, like becoming a "gym rat." It's essential to address this issue with empathy and understanding. Encourage your husband to share his feelings and concerns about the change in your sex life. Seek solutions together, such as finding a middle ground that satisfies both your needs.

Embracing Sensuality:

To heighten your own desire, explore your sensuality. Take time for self-care, engage in activities that make you feel confident and sexy, and prioritize your well-being. Regular exercise and maintaining a healthy lifestyle can also boost your energy levels and overall mood, positively impacting your libido.

Also, your child is fulfilling your “touch” needs. When you get her out of the marital bed, you’ll want to touch and be touched by your husband more. Think about eating a snack and ruining your appetite for the main course.

The Importance of Foreplay:

You mentioned that your husband's approach to initiating intimacy can be off-putting. Stress to him the importance of foreplay, emotional connection, and seduction. I challenge you to write out a script for him. So that he knows EXACTLY what you are asking for. I also request that you give him a list of 20 small things he can do at will that will ignite your desire. Many men feel like they used to know what works for their wives, but they don’t anymore. Making a black-and-white list will give him direction. Get as detailed as possible requesting the time, place, and frequency of things on the list. Encourage him to explore your desires and preferences. Remind him that taking time to connect emotionally can lead to a more satisfying and passionate sexual experience.

Seek Professional Help:

If communication and self-help strategies don't yield the desired results, consider seeking the assistance of a professional sex therapist. Sex therapists are experts in addressing sexual issues within relationships and can provide guidance tailored to your specific needs and concerns.

Conclusion:

Remember, shifts in your sex life are a natural part of any long-term relationship. You can reignite the passion in your relationship by fostering open communication, prioritizing romance, and addressing differences in desire with empathy. Embrace the journey of rediscovering each other and creating a fulfilling and satisfying intimate connection.

Watch this 30 min video to get to know the staff

Atlanta Sex Therapy: An Inside Look

Cross dressing = isolation, shame, and guilt

My name is Mary Hannah, she/her, and I am the new leader of the Atlanta Metro Cross Dressing Meetup group under Natalie Elliott. I am an intern at Natalie's practice, and I am beyond excited to have started this group back up after its hiatus. A little bit about me: I am 25 years old and was born here in north Georgia. My husband and I spent a few years traveling around the country before we came back to Georgia to finish up our degrees. I love experiencing new things, cultures, and people. I also have a huge passion for freedom in gender expression/identity and the LGBTQIA community. It is my hope and goal to give others the space to feel safe, seen, heard, and understood.

We just had our first group meetup last night, and I am already so excited for what is to come. We talked about histories with crossdressing, comfortability with dressing in front of others, what is wanted/needed out of this group, and what is needed to feel safe in the group. Along with this, we were also able to discuss some of the difficult emotions surrounding crossdressing such as isolation, shame, and guilt. It is common for cross dressers to experience these emotions due to societal expectations around how men "should" act and dress. Women "crossdress" often through wearing pants, suits, or other masculine clothing, and this is deemed socially normal and accepted while men taking on deemed "feminine" qualities is viewed as odd. It is important to use introspection to understand these inherent biases within ourselves and challenge them. This group is and will be a space for crossdressers to explore these feelings, find connection with others, and know that they are valid, and they are normal. Going forward, it is our hope to keep expanding the group and have future events surrounding fashion, makeup, and more. I am eager to continue meeting and getting to know the people of this community.

Thanks so much for reading!

Mary Hannah

Vaginismus Therapy: Causes, Symptoms, and Experiencing Sexual Pleasure Again

Let’s talk pleasure and sex. Are you feeling like those two things don’t even belong in the same sentence? 

True or false… sex should bring you as much pleasure as it brings your partner. 100% TRUE!!! But if you suffer from pain during sex, that may not be your reality.

Many women find it difficult to discuss the pain that comes with vaginismus and the effects it has on their sex life and their intimate relationships. They feel frustrated by the apparent lack of coordination between their willing minds and uncooperative bodies.

Fortunately, there are ways you can manage vaginismus—and we work through them and coordinate them for you in vaginismus therapy. Think of your sex therapist as your general contractor. We can bring all the services you need to the table, when you need them. But it all starts with naming the problem and discussing how to move forward.

That’s why we put together this guide on vaginismus, its effects, and how to overcome it. You deserve a fabulous sex life. And we want to help you experience it.

What Is Vaginismus?

Vaginismus is medically defined as involuntary contractions and muscle tension that occurs with vaginal penetration or a pelvic exam. This can include penis penetration, finger or medical instrument insertion, or even the insertion of a tampon.

Anything that enters your vagina causes a spasm reaction, leading to pain and discomfort.

Here’s the kicker. You can experience vaginismus your whole life. That’s primary vaginismus - a lifelong and painful reaction regardless of what is inserted. On the other hand, pain can suddenly happen when you’ve never experienced it before. That’s secondary vaginismus.  Secondary vaginismus catches many women by surprise. Suddenly, there’s a type of penetration that causes pain.

And that’s the other misconception about vaginismus. Every type of penetration may not cause pain. Tampons may be fine. While penal penetration is excruciating. Finger insertion may feel great. Or everything inserted in the vagina might cause pain. 

Different women have different experiences with vaginismus. If you identify with any of the above, you are more normal than you think. And that’s because, for many, there’s a stigma around discussing problems during sex. 

Sex Therapy provides a safe, judgement-free environment to talk about all the things limiting the joy in your sex life.

Causes and Symptoms

Although vaginismus is a common condition among women, it's heavily underdiagnosed. Some women feel too embarrassed to report it.

You'll know you have it if you experience any of the following symptoms:

• Stinging sensation or pain during sex

• Difficult or impossible insertion of a penis, fingers, and/or tampons

• The feeling of "hitting a wall" when penetration occurs

The causes of vaginismus vary with each person. So, we approach each situation on a case by case basis. For example, a person suffering from vaginismus may have experienced rape, sexual abuse, and other forms of trauma. Another person may develop vaginismus due to internal chemical and hormone imbalances. For others, religious or childhood beliefs can drive the discomfort.

No matter the underlying reason, vaginismus takes a physical, emotional, and psychological toll.

Is Vaginismus Treatable?

Through many years of thorough research and clinical practice, I've studied the effects of vaginismus. And, yes, vaginismus is manageable and can even be cured if you work through a plan.

Our body is adaptable and constantly changing. Your ears, for example, can slowly stretch and fit the size of whatever earrings or piece of jewelry you want to wear.

Even your neck, a body part thought to be fixed at a young age, can be conditioned and manipulated to stretch, as seen in the practices of the long-necked women of the Padaung tribe in Myanmar. So why would we think the same doesn’t apply to your vaginal muscles?

In sex therapy, we explore various treatment options to manage and overcome vaginismus. However, vaginismus affects more than just your physical body. Treating the underlying emotional and psychological damage vaginismus has caused can help you get everything moving forward.

Thus we always recommend starting with vaginismus therapy.

Vaginismus Therapy

Vaginismus therapy takes you through the steps of recovery. It explores healthy habits you can implement in your life to overcome the fears and phobias caused when dealing with vaginismus.

This, partnered with various forms of physical and pelvic floor therapy and other recommended treatments, sets you up for success, helping you become more confident in managing your body’s reaction.

Going Through the Steps

You'll begin the process by figuring out where you stand regarding the level of intolerable penetration—what you currently feel engaging in sexual intercourse. Then, together, we'll ask, "How did you get to this point?"

It's not uncommon for women with vaginismus to say that they were unaware of the condition due to misinformation they learned about sex growing up. This could have been your mother telling you sex equals an obligation vs something to enjoy. Or maybe an authority in your life used scare and shame tactics to help you avoid sex too early.

Misinformation can cause you to ignore signals your body sends you. Or it can lead to fearing any sexual interaction.

Once we understand the underlying causes of your body’s reactions, we put together a specialized plan of action. Your action plan can include cognitive behavior therapy, using a dilator each week and monitoring progress, all the way to partnering with pelvic floor therapists and medical doctors when necessary.

Getting Support From Your Partner

This leads to one of the most important points I want to make. You can still have a fun, fulfilling sex life with vaginismus. Even as we work through your vaginismus therapy. 

One key to making it work. Communicating with your partner.

Many women feel ashamed and embarrassed to talk to their partner about pain during sex. That can mean during sex, they either ignore the pain or push away from sexual penetration. This lack of communication may cause confusion and strain both in your body and in your relationship.

Sex is supposed to be pleasurable to both you and your partner. The sooner you talk about your vaginismus with your partner, the sooner you both can learn helpful tricks and alternatives to bring pleasure back into your sex life. Or maybe even experience pleasure you’ve never felt before.

How to Tell Your Partner

Take a look at this list of steps on the best ways to communicate with your partner about pain during penetration:

• Practice what to say with a friend or someone close to you

• If you haven’t had sex yet, tell your partner in a relaxed and casual manner

• Sit them down in a comfortable, distraction-free setting before intimacy begins

• Give them time to process what you've told them

• Accept any support they offer

As you go through your therapy, you'll learn ways to help you and your partner enjoy sexual intimacy without missing out on the pleasure of the experience.

Get Started on Your Healing Process Today

Living with vaginismus can be difficult, as it affects your life in more ways than one. But you don't have to let it control your relationship with sex.

As a sex therapist, I've dedicated my life to using vaginismus therapy to help women heal from past trauma and overcome the obstacles of painful vaginal penetration. Let me help you take back your power to feel confident and enjoy sex again.

For more information on specialized action plans tailored to your needs, book a free consultation for sex therapy today.